my life's a waste.

The feeeling

Have done something I know I am regretting.  It came with a situation I was not in favor of.  Not what I should have done but did.  Made eruptions of unfit emotions for the night.

I don't want pressure. It makes me think of things I shouldn't.  I don't like the pain. the depression. maybe I shouldn't be left alone. I might not make it tomorrow.  Or its not I shouldn't be left alone.  The first time it happened, I was in front of someone -- my mother.  Triggered by her, I know I'm not right.  But shouldn't I deserve something like understanding.  I know I'm not good with resorting to the right thing like solving the problem.  But I can't help it when my mind screams I wanna be out of there.

Maybe tomorrow I won't be here. Maybe the following day, month, year. Only God knows.

OKAY..
I am eating what I have written (is that even possible? :D)

i've got a good celeb of my day this year :).

I've got you by my side. and a nice cake too.

is it being accustomed?

pero i felt what i have felt last year... i was going to post my blah here then i saw it... and its exactly what my mind sighed.

"birthday ko na bukas ... pero parang wala lang."

namiss ko lang ba na masaya pag birthday or is this what should be kapag tumatanda kana?

ayoko ng ganto :( its better to be a kid. life was a rainbow.

naisip ko yan kanina. nakaka-depress lang. i'm not excited or anything. i should be. but i'm not. :(

depressed. dapat may work nako. dapat maayos work ko. dapat mag fit un sa scheds ko :( i'm tied with expectations. ang hirap, nadedepress ako. ayoko na. :(

afford

I was torn between two events. One that had been planned months ahead and an accomplishment granted to me that I've just known two days before.  The former meant compromising my happiness and credibility from a person but the latter meant the fruit of the hard labor I've sown for those three years I've been in the academe.  

I can't afford sacrifices.  The former meant sacrificing my encounter with one person, the latter meant sacrificing my encounter of one prestigious event.  But the former is more important to me.  I want her to feel I'm not taking her for granted, that it is solely that person and no other past to interfere.  The latter will meant my credibility is at stake.  I have waited for this and I have wanted for this.  It will add colors to my credentials for my future.

But here I am all packed up, after a strenuous battle in my inner self.  I was torn, I don't know what should take place.  Everyone will think this is not right, why this decision.  I am bound to explain for my self after this.  God help me.