Inside and Outside.

Autopilot mode on.

Neglect important things.

Losing dreams.

Oh i do have them?

my life's a waste.

The feeeling

Have done something I know I am regretting.  It came with a situation I was not in favor of.  Not what I should have done but did.  Made eruptions of unfit emotions for the night.

I don't want pressure. It makes me think of things I shouldn't.  I don't like the pain. the depression. maybe I shouldn't be left alone. I might not make it tomorrow.  Or its not I shouldn't be left alone.  The first time it happened, I was in front of someone -- my mother.  Triggered by her, I know I'm not right.  But shouldn't I deserve something like understanding.  I know I'm not good with resorting to the right thing like solving the problem.  But I can't help it when my mind screams I wanna be out of there.

Maybe tomorrow I won't be here. Maybe the following day, month, year. Only God knows.

OKAY..
I am eating what I have written (is that even possible? :D)

i've got a good celeb of my day this year :).

I've got you by my side. and a nice cake too.

is it being accustomed?

pero i felt what i have felt last year... i was going to post my blah here then i saw it... and its exactly what my mind sighed.

"birthday ko na bukas ... pero parang wala lang."

namiss ko lang ba na masaya pag birthday or is this what should be kapag tumatanda kana?

ayoko ng ganto :( its better to be a kid. life was a rainbow.

naisip ko yan kanina. nakaka-depress lang. i'm not excited or anything. i should be. but i'm not. :(

depressed. dapat may work nako. dapat maayos work ko. dapat mag fit un sa scheds ko :( i'm tied with expectations. ang hirap, nadedepress ako. ayoko na. :(

afford

I was torn between two events. One that had been planned months ahead and an accomplishment granted to me that I've just known two days before.  The former meant compromising my happiness and credibility from a person but the latter meant the fruit of the hard labor I've sown for those three years I've been in the academe.  

I can't afford sacrifices.  The former meant sacrificing my encounter with one person, the latter meant sacrificing my encounter of one prestigious event.  But the former is more important to me.  I want her to feel I'm not taking her for granted, that it is solely that person and no other past to interfere.  The latter will meant my credibility is at stake.  I have waited for this and I have wanted for this.  It will add colors to my credentials for my future.

But here I am all packed up, after a strenuous battle in my inner self.  I was torn, I don't know what should take place.  Everyone will think this is not right, why this decision.  I am bound to explain for my self after this.  God help me.   

Birthday ko na bukas... pero parang wala lang.
Nakakadepress naman tsk.

Excited! We're going to make it!

I may have been busy these past few weeks.  Grumpy and hotheaded when i don't get things my way.  I may have been less sensitive with your needs.  I let you sleep first. I missed making you laugh when you had a bad day from work.  I took for granted the times you to have 'moments' with me. 

I may have forgotten our first (busy-ness lang baby). But I'm excited for our next. :) It'll be on the day after tom. Yey!
Advance happy 2nd baby! Iloveu bigtime!
Tandaan mo yan hehe.

P.S.: Take care of Jerri, baby. I'll gonna miss him :(

Hopefully not one of my last pics with Jerri.

I'm sad. :'( i feel like crying. Not just with this hair, but the whole collective thingy of what i'm presently in.  Its one of the dumbest idea but hell, unhappy thoughts came hand in hand together today. pfft. I can't think good things to cheer me up.  I tried but it didn't meant anything. Dumb. Me. I wanna go out. Just don't wanna do it alone. :/ i tried asking my friend to go out somewhere, but he's with gf today, so that means it'll be the 3 of us if then. pfft. not that i don't like the girl, but i can't just say can me and dexie be alone for a while.  naahh.
I just then really realized, its totally different him having a girlfriend.  I miss the old times.  Then I miss having someone I can call and just do talk and dates somewhere. 

Impulsivity do forms regrets

Early start for a morning, I feel regrets from yesterday.  Its not really of a big deal but this totally threw my day out the trash.

Bum life can make you plan out of the ordinary stuff.  Well, maybe it may be of your usual stuff but impulsively thought of.  I planned to trim my bangs a bit, still deciding on what kind wanting a bit different look.  Opting for a full bangs for it'll be better with the shape of my face.  But then, still thinking twice with it, I absentmindedly decided to shorten the body of my hair first.  My present 'do formed a V with the longest strands trailed down near my bottom.  I planned on having the same style but up my bra line.  I trim it there but then thought seems like none of a difference.  Cut a bit again.  I did seem to enjoy the trimming 'til I reached above my nip line.  I find it okay at that time.  As I continued to cut the final layer and be able to see the whole thing, emotions came rushing in.  I don't want this! I looked at the stash of hair, men I cut it long! :( I've got worries.  I miss my long hair.  I feel like I regretted it, I should not have done it. With this big thing in mind, I totally forgot to cut my bangs.  Clouds of  thought formed a bout on my relentless mind.  It started to sink in. 


Well I can't do anything 'bout it now.  Just have to get accustomed with this. pfft.  Now I'm planning to have it rebonded but I can't. arggghh Don't have the resources to pay for it.  Got braces to pay for and some future expenses. bad vibes coming in!

with my long hair

with the new haircut

Still early and I'm already feeling shitty. amft!